No one has ever accused me of posing an overabundance of Confidence. There have been glints, glimmers, and flashes, but at best I usually oscillate between cautiously optimistic and Fake It Til You Make It, with a heaping helping of Second Guessing thrown in for good measure.
Now the question I have is, is it Fake it until you make it, or Fake it Til you make it or Fake it Till you make it?
By the way, there is absolutely no point to that last sentence and if I were a better writer, I’d just edit it out, but now that I’ve written it and then written about it, I just can’t seem to let go. Or writing about the sentence. OMG, what if I can’t finish this post because I’m stuck on this shit now?
Let’s get back to Serious for a minute. Confidence is something you gain when you have successful outcomes and experiences. And most of my life that was not the case.
Growing up in Humboldt Park, I got my butt kicked a lot for being a white kid in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood. It doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence when you know any stupid disagreement that kids have is gonna end up with someone starting a fight with you.
I remember being confident (or was it just cocky) in college. Something changed somewhere during my time at NMSU. When I first arrived I had confidence but by the end of my time there I lost my confidence.
And of course, any Modicum of Sureness after college was beaten out of me at my first job in Corporate America.
Even when good opportunities with lots of potential presented themselves, I would somehow either fuck them up myself or they would not match my perhaps disproportionate expectations.
I still don’t really have confidence so much as Bravado, or as it’s known by its scientific name: chutzpah. At this age, my confidence is more just not having many fucks to give about things. I don’t back down and crumble when a friend doesn’t like something I say on Facebook. I stand up for myself and defend myself better, though I willingly adapt my thinking upon receiving new factual information, like when I’m really being a jackass.
In a nutshell, I’ve become Bugs Bunny and that rabbit oozes confidence.
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